Beef with god

24 February 2023

The last few months have been such a test of faith. For god mostly 😏

Unwavering, unflinching faith must feel nice and solid, but really, can it match the adventure of swinging wildly between 'Thank you for leading me every step of the way' and 'Look, I want answers, not antics. Show yourself!' every few hours? 

I read somewhere that you don't ask god to perform parlour tricks for you.

But if you're audacious, you can test if he's trustworthy -

'So you're just gonna stand by and let shit happen. Shame'

'Why don't you do the same? Go on, try it'

And just like that, the fog lifts sometimes. 

The ranting and raging inevitably recur, but even amid all the indignation, the countless graces become apparent. And a sliver of peace leaks in. Even the beginnings of some answers. Because room has been made for them by constant purging, decluttering and humbling.

Eventually the hamster wheel stops, and you notice you've fallen to your knees. The sneaky bastard! 

Nothing you learn/know/remember can help now. You can only give in (to this fellow's need to be worshipped all the time 🙄)

So you feed the fire with your blind trust and it shows that 'as you walk on the path, the path appears'

(I just experienced this piece as being written through, not by me. Under the influence of this incredible, incredible song, which brought up a lot of pent up stuff: